Naturally Apathetic

One of my biggest problems is motivation. If struggling to write this has taught me anything, it’s that.

I’m sure I used to have it. I remember doing things in the past. I think I even enjoyed some of them, or, at the very least, gained some sense of accomplishment from them.

I wouldn’t call myself lazy, but, if I’m honest, I would describe myself as naturally apathetic. Which is much better, obviously. But my motivational retardation stretches beyond my innate apathy.

One of the worst side-effects of being stuck in this job is that the unending knock-backs dent your self-confidence, and erode your motivation until, eventually, you’re a drone. Churning out what needs to be done, with little care for the end result, or, more importantly, how you are viewed.

It’s obvious that this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more knock-backs you get, the more disconnected you become, the more knock-backs you get… ad infinitum.

How, then, to break this cycle? I am acutely aware that many people reading this will be thinking along the lines of “Just get off your arse and do something about it”. Which, truth be told, is excellent advice. But the nature of motivational/self-confidence issues is such that getting off your arse and doing something about it is the very bit you struggle with.

But fear not, sympathetic reader, I’ll get there, I’m sure.

I’ve considered simply handing in my notice, acquiring “the fear” which will, it is theorised, boost my motivation and help me to find a new job. But do I really want to be forced into a position where I need to take any job I can get? Whilst I may be wildly unhappy in my current employment, at least it pays well enough and is close to home.

Which leaves the option of finding a job whilst still in gainful employment. This is clearly the best course of action, and yet raises new issues. Do I get a job within my current field of expertise, running the very high risk that I will quickly become bored again, as the interest inherent within a change of location and people wears off? Or do I go for a complete change, chopping in the comfort of knowing what I’m doing with the excitement of a new challenge, and possible career? Undoubtedly this is the more attractive proposition, but it re-raises my original issue of not knowing what I want to do.

Back to the start - Roll opening credits.

Once again it feels like I’m making absolutely no progress in whatever it is I’m trying to do here.

And yet, I’d be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying the process.