eFail

Today, I did a very silly thing.

My entries thus far have all been written at work (exclusively in my own time, of course). It is only recently that I arrived upon the decision to publish them in a blog, as much for myself as anything. I knew that unless I had an audience (no matter how imagined) I would inevitably stop writing, and I didn't want to do that.

My writings had been jotted down in a word document, and when I came to the decision that I wanted to publish, I attached the document to an email and sent it home.

Imagine the sense of panic that set in when that same email got blocked by the work email quarantine system. For profanity. This meant that someone from I.T. would have to read the contents of the email and decide whether or not it was appropriate to release it. “Gulp” indeed.

For a while I wondered if the problem of what I should do with my life might have been solved for me, in dramatic fashion. But it seems lady luck was on my side, and a very kind member of the IT crowd released the email, even remarking that it was funny. My first ever review – and a good one! Relief, with a side order of pride.

It is telling of my state of mind that my first thought when this happened was that it would give me something to write about here. What a ridiculous fool I am.

My second thought was that perhaps it would force me into doing something about my situation. I was fairly confident that I wouldn’t be dismissed, but I was worried that there could be repercussions of some sort. I am distinctly aware that what I have written here could be taken badly if read out of context, and without the understanding that at least some of what I write will be embellished for effect.
But it didn't force me to do something, so I haven't. I am nothing if not consistent.

My third thought was for lunch. Because I was hungry, and it was about that time.

Naturally Apathetic

One of my biggest problems is motivation. If struggling to write this has taught me anything, it’s that.

I’m sure I used to have it. I remember doing things in the past. I think I even enjoyed some of them, or, at the very least, gained some sense of accomplishment from them.

I wouldn’t call myself lazy, but, if I’m honest, I would describe myself as naturally apathetic. Which is much better, obviously. But my motivational retardation stretches beyond my innate apathy.

One of the worst side-effects of being stuck in this job is that the unending knock-backs dent your self-confidence, and erode your motivation until, eventually, you’re a drone. Churning out what needs to be done, with little care for the end result, or, more importantly, how you are viewed.

It’s obvious that this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more knock-backs you get, the more disconnected you become, the more knock-backs you get… ad infinitum.

How, then, to break this cycle? I am acutely aware that many people reading this will be thinking along the lines of “Just get off your arse and do something about it”. Which, truth be told, is excellent advice. But the nature of motivational/self-confidence issues is such that getting off your arse and doing something about it is the very bit you struggle with.

But fear not, sympathetic reader, I’ll get there, I’m sure.

I’ve considered simply handing in my notice, acquiring “the fear” which will, it is theorised, boost my motivation and help me to find a new job. But do I really want to be forced into a position where I need to take any job I can get? Whilst I may be wildly unhappy in my current employment, at least it pays well enough and is close to home.

Which leaves the option of finding a job whilst still in gainful employment. This is clearly the best course of action, and yet raises new issues. Do I get a job within my current field of expertise, running the very high risk that I will quickly become bored again, as the interest inherent within a change of location and people wears off? Or do I go for a complete change, chopping in the comfort of knowing what I’m doing with the excitement of a new challenge, and possible career? Undoubtedly this is the more attractive proposition, but it re-raises my original issue of not knowing what I want to do.

Back to the start - Roll opening credits.

Once again it feels like I’m making absolutely no progress in whatever it is I’m trying to do here.

And yet, I’d be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying the process.

Apple of my i

Disaster struck me last night. While attempting to update the software on my popular multimedia 3G mobile telephone (I won’t bow down to sponsorship), it broke. Imagine my distraught. The same phone I use to while away the hours at work with distractions like Rubik’s cube, Words With Friends, Solitaire, Facebook and Twitter.

What the hell was I going to do all day at work?!

I briefly considered taking in an actual Rubik’s cube, Scrabble board, pack of cards and correspondence set, but decided that would be significantly more difficult to conceal (much less carry). I was genuinely concerned.

Apple’s support website brought new meanings to the word useless. Seemingly having support documents and downloads for any number of products… except any actually made by Apple.
Yes, Apple, so it’s obviously an iphone. Drat.

Searching the desolate wastelands that are technical forums, amidst my fellow geeks, I eventually stumbled upon a solution. Basically, I needed to remove any Apple software from my PC, restart and reinstall. It turned out that didn’t just include iTunes (which I had already tried), but a number of other apparently broken Apple sub-programs.

To cut a long story a little bit less long, it worked. My work day was saved, and I could continue in the manner to which I had become accustomed. God bless the geeks of the interweb. It was touch and go though, for a while.

In work-related news, I learned today that the bonus I was promised, but knew deep down would never materialise, will never materialise.

This wouldn’t have been such a blow, if not for the fact that the bonus itself was garnish, at best. In both size and intent. It was nothing more than a pity fuck, to distract me from the reality of my working life, and yet another promotional knockback.

I would say I’m right back where I started, but I haven't really got anywhere yet. So, I guess, more accurate would be “I remain at the start”. Bah.