I've waited here for you, everlong...

As anti-climactic as new year's eve 1999, our due-date has been and gone (9 days overdue, and counting).

The fact that I have time to post here is as good an indicator as any that baby is yet to arrive. Yes, it seems even my offspring has trouble getting out of bed. I guess it wouldn't have been right any other way. I just hope it continues after the birth.

It's funny how quickly things change, not least of all my wife's mood. Just 9 months ago we were honeymooning in Mexico, footloose and fancy-free (well, comparatively). The majority of those months have flown by, and yet the last couple of weeks have felt like an eternity.

We wait.
Tick follow tock follow tick...
With each new day, a fresh disappointment.

We know it's happening, but when? It's takes frustration to all new unbearable levels. And yet, we're acutely aware that within days (if not hours) after the birth we're likely to be wondering what on earth we've got ourselves into, and looking back on these days with rueful envy.

Life is delicious irony, but what else is there?

Hero to Zero

I have been in the new job for a few weeks now, and already I have learnt so much. Namely:

1. That I was actually very good at my previous job;
   
2. That I am grossly underequipped for my new job;
   
3. That all the effort & late nights (unpaid) I put in before leaving the old job haven't been appreciated and are unlikely to be financially recognised;
   
4. That it's fucking hard work going from hero to zero.

I always knew it would be a difficult transition. I had been in my previous job for so long that it had become far too comfortable, on the whole. This is, of course, one of the main reasons I needed a change, but there is a lot to be said for being able to do your job, to at least some degree of competence. Who knew?

I wasn't quite prepared for just how much I need to learn. I have gone from knowing it all, to knowing literally nothing. And it's hard. At the moment, I feel impotent - unable to provide any useful input and all too aware of my daily failings.

But, a challenge is what I needed, and a challenge is what I have got. Hopefully, with time, I'll start to learn to swim.

So, I wasn't joking about the apathy

As the eagle-eyed amongst you will have noticed, it's been a while since my last update. I always knew that sticking with this was going to be a challenge, and yet, there is a certain ineffable right-ness about failing to regularly update a blog entitled Naturally Apathetic.

But, like some kind of superhero whose only superpower is that of the inane ramble, I am here to right this wrong, and start posting again! Hoorah! Well, for now at least, until I lose interest again. Meh.

This post, for what it's worth, will be an update on what I've missed in the interim, and as such won't be particularly detailed or amusing, but will serve two key purposes: 1) to kick off my posting again, and 2) to lay down some groundwork that I may later discuss. If I can be bothered, of course.

The last 9 months or so have been pretty eventful for me, to be honest. Perhaps most importantly of all, I've proved my junk works. Which is nice. I am man, hear me roar!
Yes, I'm going to be a dad. At some point within the next few weeks I will be responsible for a whole little person (a baby, not a midget/dwarf). Which is equally exciting and terrifying, and depending on which day you catch me, either emotion can be edging it. I’m sure that such a life-changing event will inevitably impact on what I write about here. I hope that’s ok. I'll try not to be too baby-focused, I promise.

Work-wise, a lot has changed. I finally got my long-overdue promotion, started to enjoy my job again and then got a new job, which I have now been in for almost 2 weeks. Same company, different department. Hopefully it will be good for me, and will edge me ever-closer to knowing what I want to be when I grow up.

Reading back over my early posts, I see now just how negative I was feeling, and so I think a fresh start is exactly what I needed. The situation I found myself in was, frankly, a point of no return. Fortunately for me, the opinions formed about me within my previous department were the opposite of those in my new department, and so I was able to secure a job I am wildly underequipped for!

Anyway, that's the gaps filled in for now. I really do want to keep this up, so I'll try to post again soon. Thanks for sticking with it!

eFail

Today, I did a very silly thing.

My entries thus far have all been written at work (exclusively in my own time, of course). It is only recently that I arrived upon the decision to publish them in a blog, as much for myself as anything. I knew that unless I had an audience (no matter how imagined) I would inevitably stop writing, and I didn't want to do that.

My writings had been jotted down in a word document, and when I came to the decision that I wanted to publish, I attached the document to an email and sent it home.

Imagine the sense of panic that set in when that same email got blocked by the work email quarantine system. For profanity. This meant that someone from I.T. would have to read the contents of the email and decide whether or not it was appropriate to release it. “Gulp” indeed.

For a while I wondered if the problem of what I should do with my life might have been solved for me, in dramatic fashion. But it seems lady luck was on my side, and a very kind member of the IT crowd released the email, even remarking that it was funny. My first ever review – and a good one! Relief, with a side order of pride.

It is telling of my state of mind that my first thought when this happened was that it would give me something to write about here. What a ridiculous fool I am.

My second thought was that perhaps it would force me into doing something about my situation. I was fairly confident that I wouldn’t be dismissed, but I was worried that there could be repercussions of some sort. I am distinctly aware that what I have written here could be taken badly if read out of context, and without the understanding that at least some of what I write will be embellished for effect.
But it didn't force me to do something, so I haven't. I am nothing if not consistent.

My third thought was for lunch. Because I was hungry, and it was about that time.

Naturally Apathetic

One of my biggest problems is motivation. If struggling to write this has taught me anything, it’s that.

I’m sure I used to have it. I remember doing things in the past. I think I even enjoyed some of them, or, at the very least, gained some sense of accomplishment from them.

I wouldn’t call myself lazy, but, if I’m honest, I would describe myself as naturally apathetic. Which is much better, obviously. But my motivational retardation stretches beyond my innate apathy.

One of the worst side-effects of being stuck in this job is that the unending knock-backs dent your self-confidence, and erode your motivation until, eventually, you’re a drone. Churning out what needs to be done, with little care for the end result, or, more importantly, how you are viewed.

It’s obvious that this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more knock-backs you get, the more disconnected you become, the more knock-backs you get… ad infinitum.

How, then, to break this cycle? I am acutely aware that many people reading this will be thinking along the lines of “Just get off your arse and do something about it”. Which, truth be told, is excellent advice. But the nature of motivational/self-confidence issues is such that getting off your arse and doing something about it is the very bit you struggle with.

But fear not, sympathetic reader, I’ll get there, I’m sure.

I’ve considered simply handing in my notice, acquiring “the fear” which will, it is theorised, boost my motivation and help me to find a new job. But do I really want to be forced into a position where I need to take any job I can get? Whilst I may be wildly unhappy in my current employment, at least it pays well enough and is close to home.

Which leaves the option of finding a job whilst still in gainful employment. This is clearly the best course of action, and yet raises new issues. Do I get a job within my current field of expertise, running the very high risk that I will quickly become bored again, as the interest inherent within a change of location and people wears off? Or do I go for a complete change, chopping in the comfort of knowing what I’m doing with the excitement of a new challenge, and possible career? Undoubtedly this is the more attractive proposition, but it re-raises my original issue of not knowing what I want to do.

Back to the start - Roll opening credits.

Once again it feels like I’m making absolutely no progress in whatever it is I’m trying to do here.

And yet, I’d be lying if I said I wasn't enjoying the process.

Apple of my i

Disaster struck me last night. While attempting to update the software on my popular multimedia 3G mobile telephone (I won’t bow down to sponsorship), it broke. Imagine my distraught. The same phone I use to while away the hours at work with distractions like Rubik’s cube, Words With Friends, Solitaire, Facebook and Twitter.

What the hell was I going to do all day at work?!

I briefly considered taking in an actual Rubik’s cube, Scrabble board, pack of cards and correspondence set, but decided that would be significantly more difficult to conceal (much less carry). I was genuinely concerned.

Apple’s support website brought new meanings to the word useless. Seemingly having support documents and downloads for any number of products… except any actually made by Apple.
Yes, Apple, so it’s obviously an iphone. Drat.

Searching the desolate wastelands that are technical forums, amidst my fellow geeks, I eventually stumbled upon a solution. Basically, I needed to remove any Apple software from my PC, restart and reinstall. It turned out that didn’t just include iTunes (which I had already tried), but a number of other apparently broken Apple sub-programs.

To cut a long story a little bit less long, it worked. My work day was saved, and I could continue in the manner to which I had become accustomed. God bless the geeks of the interweb. It was touch and go though, for a while.

In work-related news, I learned today that the bonus I was promised, but knew deep down would never materialise, will never materialise.

This wouldn’t have been such a blow, if not for the fact that the bonus itself was garnish, at best. In both size and intent. It was nothing more than a pity fuck, to distract me from the reality of my working life, and yet another promotional knockback.

I would say I’m right back where I started, but I haven't really got anywhere yet. So, I guess, more accurate would be “I remain at the start”. Bah.

We are what we eat

Today, in a bid to inject some interest into my working day, I decided to instigate some intellectual debate. And yes, I know there’s an awful lot of ‘I’ words in that sentence, but ironically (there’s another) the thesaurus only suggests OTHER words that begin with ‘I’. Hmph.

“Cous Cous really annoys me!” I proclaimed.

Proof, if needed, that the brain is a muscle (it’s not) and goes weak if underused (it do).

This remark was met with laughter, my colleagues seemingly amazed at the very idea that food could provoke such a reaction.

I find this surprising. It wasn’t long into my adulthood before I realised that almost anything can be annoying (and most of the time is), so why would food be excluded?

For the record, a few of my top food annoyances are...

Cous Cous: The texture! What is it? Not quite rice (or even a Bulgur Wheat, which I can tolerate), not quite sand. It’s like someone has shaved a babycorn. It only tastes acceptable because of the flavours you add to it. Why not add them to something else instead? Like rice. Or bulgur wheat. Or Sand.

Cress: Seriously, what in God’s name is cress for? It must have virtually no nutritional value. It is added to plates and sandwiches as nothing more than a garnish, tastes of nothing when diluted to the quantities you’re likely to consume, and again has a horrible texture. Like eating grass. And frankly, I don’t have the stomachs for it (Do you see? Cows? Eating grass? With the four stomachs to digest it? It’s funny… Oh, shut up).
Although I should point out that while looking up cress, I found this picture, which has amused me no end, and therefore slightly reduced my annoyance.
But then, what sort of worthwhile foodstuff can be cultured in a keyboard?!

Oranges: If ever a food was designed not to be eaten “on the go” (or, arguably, even in public) it’s the orange. I have never seen someone eat one without covering both themselves and whoever/whatever happened to be around them at the time in a citrusy effluent. I wouldn’t mind if the awkward outer casing concealed some delicious inner treat, but no. Oranges, I say, should stick to what they’re good at – juice. Someone has taken the time to pack all the goodness of an orange into a convenient drinkable delivery mechanism. Why persist with the fruit itself? People don’t lead cows around with them for when they fancy the odd bit of milk.
It’s worth noting that I am refusing to end this section with a joke along the lines of “it really does take the pith”. Because I’m better than that. We all are.

So there you have it. Irrefutable evidence that food can be (and in at least three cases is) annoying.

And with that, it seems I can strike Food Critic from the list of potential future careers. One step closer to my goal.